I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
