Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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