Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
