using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
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First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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