I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
