whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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