Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
