Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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