I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
