Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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