You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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