Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
