My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
