his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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