you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
