whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
