I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
