so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
