you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
