It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
