Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
