If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
