im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Found your dick twin last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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