she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
