god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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