i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
