If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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