Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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