apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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