Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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