If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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