i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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