Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
