when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
