I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Your penis caused this!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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