You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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