just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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