marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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