remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Randomize