I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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