A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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