Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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