omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
