I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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