It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
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just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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