So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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