my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
