Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
