I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
