sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
