On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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