yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
