But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
