If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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