I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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